Jen Kirkman: The Registered Independent — Is This Real Life?

“IS THIS REAL LIFE?”
By JEN KIRKMAN
Contributing Columnist

“Is This Real Life?” No, David After Dentist, this is not real life! You are on You Tube. On Drugs. You are a kid. Your dad is taping you. You are now an internet sensation. You will probably get a development deal (they don’t give those out in Hollywood anymore, unless you make a funny 90 second video on the internet.)

Like all of you, I watched this video over and over again and I laughed and laughed. I called my co-workers over to my desk and watched them watching it and we laughed and laughed.

This kid has “it.” If you took a hundred kids who are just coming down off of dentist-induced-dope, I bet only 1% of them will be as intriguing as David. (And by the way, my prediction is that there will be a million copy cat videos on the net. Lots of messed up parents out there, video cameras poised and ready, will be begging their dentist, “Are you sure Jimmy doesn’t need a tooth extracted?”) Not every person on drugs suddenly wants to understand the meaning of life. Some people just fall asleep, throw up, or watch a Golden Girls marathon. It’s not just that he’s high on drugs (by the way, what drug was that?) - he asks intelligent questions while high on drugs. IS this REAL life? As far as we know. I don’t suppose any of us can prove that this is REAL LIFE. What is real life? Will he feel this way forever? Now, that’s an interesting question, little David.

Unfortunately David, you won’t feel like that forever. It’s not every day that you are in oblivion and bliss and it’s legal. It’s not every day that you’re going to have millions of people lovingly laughing at you on You Tube. It’s not every day that your dad is going to be happy that drugs made you feel ’so good.’ But you’ll want this feeling again. You’ll say, “Even though I was confused, I feel like I loved sitting in the backseat of that car announcing that I had two fingers. My dad gave me attention that day. The world gave me attention that day and all I had to do was scream, ask questions and nod off.”

Maybe because your dad took a private moment where you had no judgment (but he did!) and put it on the internet, you’ll crave that kind of attention. Maybe you’ll fake a sports injury to get some of that Vicodin you’ve heard so much about. Maybe you’ll quit the sports team and join up with the theatre kids and then worse, the kids who write poetry for the high school paper. Then maybe you’ll decide to skip college and run off to Hollywood because millions of people watched you on the internet in ONE day back in 2009. That’s more people than watch The Tonight Show!

But you’ll be no good to anyone all sober and boring. You’ll realize how close Mexico is to Los Angeles and that they don’t need no silly prescription in order to hand over the tranquilizers. You will have an addiction. You’d be the perfect candidate for Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew but you never became a celebrity. You never had the chance. (Although if the show continues to scrap the bottom of the barrel for celebrities, perhaps someone who had a popular You Tube video as a kid will qualify.)

Your whole life will go down the toilet all because your dad couldn’t leave a private moment alone, all because your dad reinforced into your 7-year-old moldable brain that you are funny when you are fucked up.

Of course, little David, I hope this doesn’t happen. I hope your dad puts down the camera and millions of other parents stop putting their kids, unwillingly on tape and then uploading them. This goes for you too, you weirdo’s on The Bachelor who take your toddlers on your “dates.”
Now, I’m not trying to get all serious about a little, fun, innocent family video. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have had a column for this week.

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